well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
