Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
