Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
