when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
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No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.