It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
