Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
