Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
