New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
