Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
