the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
