he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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