Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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