i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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