Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The Olympian is in my bed
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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