They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
