My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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