I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
