i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
