I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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