You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
