i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
