Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
