I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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