ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
