Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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