dude i'm inner monologue high
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
