I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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