and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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