Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
