I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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