Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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