I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
