I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
