Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
