Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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