Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
