this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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