you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
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believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize