I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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