He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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