i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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