I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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