You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
