You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You ruined the universe
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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