I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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