I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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