I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
