Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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