I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
