Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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