I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
