I accidentally burped into my bong.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
