I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
