Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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