i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
