I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
