There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
