This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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