I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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