Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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