My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
