You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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