So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
